Dear Rose
Dear Rose,
You’re too young right now to understand why I’m writing this to you, but I hope one day when you’re older, you’ll be able to understand.
The opportunity to be your dad has been one of the most fulfilling opportunities of my life. Even though we’re only 14 months into what I hope is a lifetime of memories, I can already say this is the case.
I meant to write you a letter before you were born, but in the hustle and bustle of preparing for a new baby, I ran out of time. Then a year in, I realized your mom and I had barely filled your baby book. People aren’t kidding when they say the times goes by so quickly. So now is the proper time to write you this letter.
A few weeks before we found out mom was pregnant with you, I had a dream. In the dream, your mom and I were in a large castle mansion. I felt like the time period in the dream might have been a couple hundred years ago. We had our own wing of the residence and in dream time, a few days passed and it was clear we were waiting for something, but I wasn’t quite sure what. I was feeling lots of anxiety in the long moments of waiting.
Your mom started having pain and it was clear at that point what we were waiting for- mom was going into labor. A doctor was summoned. I was told to wait in the other room. I heard lots of screaming and noise. I paced back and forth. A few hours later, the french doors opened and the doctor asked me to come into the room and I was handed a little swaddle. I opened it up to find staring back at me the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. The baby girl was beaming light, staring back at me, intensely focused with laser beam brightness. White light washed over me. As I began to wake, I felt like I had experienced a prophetic dream. Even though it was a dream, I felt like I had met a soul that I was traveling through various points in time with and we were about to be reconnected.
I woke up and told your mom- “I just had a dream that we had a baby girl”. A few weeks later, we found out mom was pregnant. It was a joyous time. It all happened very fast.
Mom’s pregnancy was a difficult one. Not as difficult as the worst of the worst, but she had a rough final trimester. The doctor talked inducing early, but your mom decided to wait it out, trying to give you more time to keep growing inside the womb.
I won’t go into all the details of labor, other than saying that when you were first born, I didn’t feel the feeling I felt in the dream and I felt disappointed. I felt like I had been let down, that my feelings had led me astray. The moment was magical, but I felt exhausted(I wasn’t even the one that gave birth!) and I was just ready for us to head home and begin the hard work of feeding you, changing you, and watching you grow. I secretly had wished that I felt that awe struck moment that I felt in the dream.
Around the time you were just under 2 months old, I went into the nursery to get you from the crib. You looked up at me, and in a flash of a moment, recognized me and smiled. I caught the moment briefly in this photo. And then, for the first time, I felt the feeling I had felt in the dream. I felt a connection that is hard to put into words. Happiness washed over me. I think I experienced, for the first time, unconditional love, a feeling I’ve always understood in concept, but have always have trouble actually feeling. I felt certain that you, your soul, in this moment, was exactly where you needed to be and that I was exactly where I needed to be. My love for you continues to grow each day since.
It’s important for me to tell you this. Why? Life is weird. Shit happens. Despite everyone’s best intentions, sometimes relationships with people fade. Sometimes the people you should feel closest to, you don’t. Sometimes you’ll feel lonely, maybe like no other soul in the world really, truly understands you. I haven’t talked to you one of your grandparents in over five years. I’m sure neither of us could have ever predicted that would be the outcome. But it’s important that no matter what the outcomes are, that you capture the meaningful moments and try to etch them in your memory forever.
I wanted to write and tell you all of this because in the ever evolving world we live in, we never think that today, tomorrow, or the next day might be our final day. We always think there will be more time, more experiences, another chance to keep experiencing good. The truth is, I have no idea what the future holds Rose. None of us do. But know that whatever it does hold, wherever you are headed, and whoever is on the path together with you, know that you are and always will be loved so much.
Love,
Dad