Anxiety
Anxiety is really dumb. That’s what I want to say right now.
The past few weeks I’ve been really trying to get better at everything in my life on a daily basis, because honestly some stuff has come up in recent weeks that’s made me realize I need to try to be a better person. And today I woke up just feeling super shitty and questioning pretty much everything. Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t my mind just shut the hell up sometimes?
I’ve been reducing my alcohol intake lately for a few reasons: being busy and needing to be on top of everything professionally, wanting to be a bit healthier(especially since time to exercise lately has been hard to come by), and overall, realizing I need more rest and sleep than I’ve been getting. And last night, after a particularly long and stressful week, I let lose a little bit. Hadn’t drank the rest of the week, but after a bunch of drinks to unwind , I was feeling in the zone and at the end of the night, I stayed up kind of late to read and have a few moments of quiet.
I woke up today feeling a horrible vice grip of anxiety about everything. I’m just seeing the rest of this year flash before my eyes and I’m feeling like a failure in most areas of my life, even though I know objectively that’s not true. On paper it all looks good, but sometimes it doesn’t feel good. Which is just so hard to explain. When I feel this way, it’s hard to see outside of that feeling, even if rationally my brain is telling me something just isn’t true.
I’ve been realizing lately that this type of anxiety can strike at any time. Doesn’t matter if I’m doing great externally or not, it can find a way to seep in. I think some of the dread I’m feeling lately is the sense that I sometimes have trouble identifying *who* I am. That sounds funny to say, but it’s true. I’m someone that can mold myself to any situation and adapt in ways I need to adapt to get along with just about anyone. It’s rare that a person doesn’t like me. But when I sit alone sometimes and try to dig deep and find out who I am, there’s nothing really there. I am my external conditions sometimes. I’m happy when I’m busy and when I don’t have time to reach this conclusion. I’m happy when I can move and expel my daily nervous energy through walking or running or pacing back and forth.
I thought for a long time that I had kind of a stressful life. But I actually have come to the conclusion it’s not that my life is more stressful than anyone else’s, it’s that I’m worse at managing everyday stress. I take that stress, internalize it, and then it comes out in ways I don’t like. I’ve tried a lot of techniques to manage it throughout the years and it seems like a full time job. But I think part of fixing this part of myself is this realization.
Ultimately, I really do want to find ways to erase this anxiety as I get older. The reason is that I don’t like being selfish and being consumed by this type of feeling. I like being an attentive husband and father, and this is something that gets in the way, even if I don’t want it to. And I don’t want my kids to experience this type of feeling either, even though maybe we all do sometimes.
I think some self doubt is healthy. No one likes anyone that’s too cocky or smug. But anxiety doesn’t do any of us favors. Hoping there’s a future where I find a way to tackle it and this becomes a memory I one day look back on and wonder how I was so immature.
In closing, here’s a song by Jason Isbell about Anxiety. It kinda captures the feeling perfectly, both lyrically and musically. Give it a listen, it’s a good one. And he’s on top of the world right now as a songwriter and still feels crippled by this at times. So I guess maybe I’m in good company.